Before I forget, I am writing this down. I keep telling those close to me about the difference between my deep depression this year – August to October – and the coming of the light. One small dip since then, but otherwise on a steady and beautifully contented walk through my days. Exercising during depression is near impossible, but this time I did it. I don’t think it shortened depression’s visit, but did provide momentary relief.
Introduction to the series on Bipolar episodes
This is Part 1 of a series covering Bipolar episodes and the different aspects of my life. I promised my psychologist that I would record the before and after of my episodes as my memory is so bad.
To give you an example: I asked my Second Hubby (Hubby from this moment on!) to move out during this year’s derail into the darkness. I was happy to start divorce proceedings as I felt so trapped in my situation. In therapy, Hubby mentioned the time I asked for a divorce while in hospital LAST YEAR this time. I had no idea – I don’t remember a thing. I sometimes operate like a gold fish… experiencing the same things through each episode and learning all over again.
If I could just move on with my self-development, instead of repeating myself each year, I think I would lessen the depth of the abyss. The more separate I become to my disease, the more perspective I should gain. So here goes the series – for reading the next time I start slipping. Because the chance of slipping is high. And hopefully to help anyone who is experiencing any of the same dramatic fluctuations in their own lives due to Bipolar.  You are not alone!
There are quite a few topics to cover, so I am splitting them into a series of blogs. Otherwise I am sure to bore us both.
Exercising during depression really helps, if you can manage it
I actually kept this up during the dark days this year. Exercising during depression is like a life-rope. I arrive at the ‘must exercise my body’ location with a level of desperation, hoping to feel normal. Sometimes I do feel grounded, familiar and released, for a short while. But it’s tough to get myself there. My body is sluggish, my mind giving me permission to just sit. And then the shower and washing my hair afterwards – a mighty, mighty effort.
Years gone by presented some alternative scenarios. Not only do we face the real physical impact of depression – a complete lack of energy and sore muscles – but we also loose all motivation or inclination to move our bodies, never mind exercising. For me, the ‘why bother’ moves quickly into ‘who gives a f-k??
The one time this last episode I arrived in my jeans and presented myself to my personal trainer … “do what you can”. I couldn’t face getting dressed a second time that day. The effort. And sometimes the lift doesn’t come. The depression hangs on me during the session as my brain keeps me in its underbelly. I look at the floor and remain unseen.
So even though I am a regular gym/ walking/ Pilates participant, exercise for a few weeks when I couldn’t give a sh-t and too lethargic to care slows down dramatically. On a good day, I do slow exercise like bio-kinetics or walk with my sister. But I still cling to exercising during depression – you get the life-rope idea. Hell, Harvard Medical School claims exercise is as good as an anti-depressant.
Exercising to manage anxiety
I figured out I needed exercise in my life before I figured out I had Bipolar 11. Part of self-medicating when I was at university was running. In my 20s I developed a mild fetish with running which I am so glad I moved away from. Exercise reduced my anxiety, and I ran like hell from depression.
The Mayo Clinic has published an excellent article on how exercise can alleviate anxiety and depression. A mixture of endorphins, stopping negative thoughts, gaining confidence and building resilience.
Exercise as a way of life
So now I am not exercising during a depression, but in that lovely period between episodes. It’s easy and lovely. I have fun and work hard with my personal trainer, and my Pilates group lessons are social and in-tune. I make three and sometimes four sessions a week and loving my new work flexibility which means I can fit it all in.
As I get physically stronger I feel better and better after each session. My body is mostly loved and well known to me. I believe that I am slowly building up my physical and mental resilience, through exercise, to help me with my next episode.
